As I have stated before, on July 23rd of last year I set a goal for myself of losing 62 lbs by September 9th of this year, which is my 30th birthday. My decision on that date what that I have been unhappy with my weight for so many years now, and really struggling with it for the last few, and I just didn't want to do it any more. So I decided that by my 30th birthday I was going to either reach my goal weight to be happy or be happy with whatever I weight I did reach. This comes from my school of thought that, at some point in your life, you have to stop trying to be happy or planning to be happy or planning to try to be happy and just BE HAPPY. There has to come a point where you stop planning for some day and start doing today.

So a year ago I decided that I didn't want to spend the rest of my life wishing I was thinner, wishing I was happy with my body. I wanted to actually BE happy with it. And that's why I set the goal date, determined to work as hard as I could between July 2010 and September 2011... so on the morning of my 30th birthday I could wake up and be truly happy with who I am, happy with where I am at in my life and (most importantly, as far as vanity is concerned) happy inside the body that I am living my life in.

I have definately had some ups and downs with the whole diet and exercise thing in the last year, but I am please to say that it has been 364 days since I set out to achieve my ultimate weight loss goal, and of the 62 lbs I set out to lose, I have lost 57 of them. I am only 5 lbs away from my goal weight now, and I still have a month and a half until my 30th birthday. As I sti here to type this I am wearing a pair of size 12 capri pants I bought at Old Navy a couple of weeks ago. For those unaware, this is my goal size. The three pairs of pants I have held onto for the last 6 1/2 years are all size 12 jeans I bought at Old Navy a decade ago. More importantly than the number on the scale, the size 12 section of Old Navy is what I have been aiming for; what I have been dreaming of since the early months of 2005 when I had to pack those jeans away and buy a bigger size up. My biggest goal has been to get back to size 12, where I was happiest and looked the best I ever have in my adult life. I have wanted to be able to walk into a store and go to the regular size clothing section, not the plus size, and know that any pair of size 12 whatever I pulled off the rack was going to fit me.

** And for the nay-sayer out there who are reading this and going, "Jeez Micah, size 12 is still pretty big... shouldn't you be setting your goals a little higher?" to you I say blow me, pal. I was a chubby kid, a chubbier adolescent and a downright fat teenager. Only people who have spend over 2/3 of their lives wearing sizes 16 and up can appreciate the glory and the joy that comes with fitting into a size 12. **

I know I am being brutally honest here. I have to, really. Because the lesson I learned the hard way is that you will never, ever be able to fix the things that are wrong with you if you can't admit them to yourself and the world. But mostly yourself. It's easy to make the "yeah, I'm pretty fat" or "I know I need to drop a few pounds" comments to friends or co-workers, but it is so goddamn hard to say it, nay CONFESS it to yourself. And this goes for all the problems in life. Weight problems, emotional problems, intimacy problems, attitude problems... until you can sit down with yourself and say "I'm fat and desperately need to lose weight" or "I'm an asshole and need to learn to be nicer to people" or whatever, until you can be completely honest with yourself you're never going to be able to fix anything about yourself that you want/need to. And for the longest time admitting to myself that I was really fat and not just retaining water was next to impossible. It took over 5 years to finally overcome the shame and embarassment I felt toward myself, and be realistic about what it was going to take to fix the problem(s).

It has been 365 days since I had the 'come to Jesus' talk with myself about my weight. It's been 364 days since I set my goals and started out on the weight loss journey. I have come a really long way, and I'm very proud of myself. But I realize that I still have a long way to go, as the last 5 lbs are always, ALWAYS the hardest. So close and yet so far away....