True Loss

On December 19th, 2021 I found Steven, the father of my children, dead in his home. He passed away naked and alone, in the bed we once shared, in the home we chose together. My guess is he passed sometime in the early hours of the 18th. I won't go into the horror if discovering his dead body, the stress of having to deal with said dead body, or the soul-crushing anguish I endured that night when I held my sobbing children after having to tell them that their father was dead. It was too much to deal with then, and it's still too much to talk about now.

So many things have changed since Steven died. Everything changed. At least, that's how it feels. 

Jason and I went from being half of the time parents to full-time parents, in the blink of an eye. The children lost their father, their cat Scratchy (who we weren't able to keep, but found a good home for), half of their houses, half of their worldly possessions. They lost half their world that night. It was 6 days before Christmas and they lost half their world (though in those first 24 hours I'm sure it felt like they lost everything). 

I have been talking to everyone in my circle about everything that's happened. Jason, my parents, my friends, exstended family, my psychiatrist, pen pals, people in meetings.... There is no one in my life who doesn't know what's been going on, every step of the way so far. It seems like talking about this should be helping me process and get through this hellish period, but it really hasn't. The more I try to express to people how I'm feeling about all of this, the more closed off I feel from the world. I've also been writing in journals, but that just makes me feel crazy. 

Steve didn't have a will of any kind. By rights all of his assets and worldly posessions will go to my children, but someone has to facilitate that. Cue Steve's once-upon-a-time Gal Friday stepping in to handle shit. That's me, btw. I got a lawyar and filed papers and got myself named as Administrator for the Estate. I also took responsibility for his body and funeral arrangements. I had his body cremated at the end of December and we held a funeral for him on March 18th, where we buried his cremated remains in a proper gravesite in one of the cemetaries here in town. I wanted to have a proper grave for him because it's important to me that the girls to have a place to go and sit down and talk to their father. 

Because Steve never dealth with his father's cremated remains, I took posession of those and opted to bury them in the same grave. It's not what my former father-in-law wanted done with his ashes, but it's the best I could give him under the circumstances. Now father and son can rest together.

Steve drove me nuts in life. His existence in my world was stressful and frustrating and filled with anger and resentment. But right now, in this moment and every moment since December 19th, I would give all that I have in this world to have him back in my existence. Not for me, but for my children. They shouldn't have had to bury their father this year. This isn't how mine and Steve's story was supposed to end.