Time For Change



Another year has come and gone, and (shockingly) I have yet to start getting any younger. I'm 32 years into the only life I'm going to get, and I've decided that it is (FINALLY!) time to take control of my it. Once and for all.

 

Today I've started on a path to change my body, my eating habits and my entire attitude toward health and fitness. This is all based on a book called Metabolism Miracle by Dianne Kress. I'll spare you the lengthy details about the principles of it; you can read about it yourself if your interested enough.

 

Anyway, this is the end of day 1 of Step 1 of the program, and I did very well today. I exercised this morning, ate the right foods for breakfast and lunch, drank 160 oz of water, and ate a wholely carb-free dinner. (Yes, yes, I know... another carb-free diet, yada yada. But this is different; it's only carb-free for the first 8 weeks, so nyah!)

 

This was tonight's dinner. Not nearly as luscious and decadent as the homemade lasagna I had last night, but after eating it I didn't feel wildly uncomfortable and full of shame. So I guess that in and of itself is a big change.

 

So here's to 2014. A new year, a new chance, a new me.

Darkness Falls

For every joy there is a sorrow.
For every smile there is a frown.
For ever sparkle of the eye
There is a tear drop that has
Yet to fall.
For every happy memory
There is a haunting nightmare.
For every action there is a regret.

No one can predict the future,
Any more than they can change the past.

Live truly and deeply in the now,
For that is all there is.

~M. Haag 10/29/06

Missing Kate

Dearest, Most Awesome Aunt Kate,

     Yesterday was the 3 month mark of us losing you. And when I say us, I don't just mean the Kilgore clan and its affiliates. 'US' means your parents, your brother and sisters and their spouses, their children and spouses, their children (your great-nieces and nephews), your friends, our friends (especially mine, because there is not a single person I know, who has met you, who didn't think you were Top Banana) your church family, your former co-workers, every teacher you've ever had, every person that has ever talked to you for 10 minutes... I hope you get the picture. Yesterday was hard for me. Today, for reasons I can't understand, has been even harder.

Maybe it's because today I'm finalizing all the plans for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day and Christmas Dinner.Knowing how much you loved Christmas, this is hard.
Maybe it's because tonight I finally brought myself to hang the very last family ornament you made for us. It's not on the tree though, it's on the wall next to the drawing of the Monroe Street Bridge that you used to own. Knowing this is the last Aunt Kate ornament I will ever receive, this is hard.
Maybe it's because this is a day that ends in 'y', and I miss you terribly every single day. Who knows.

What I do know, is that you were the light of this family;you were the spirit and the essence. We few and humble who remain will do our best to pick up the slack in your absence, but it will never be the same. I will never again be able to call you and talk to you about my troubles, only to hear you say, "Listen kiddo," when beginning your response. My daughters will never get to hear you talk about the Kilgore family, going into all the finite details about who's who and what came to be... Much to my great despair.

I wish you were still here. With every breath, I wish you were still here. Aunt Mary gave me a baggie of your jewelry, to share between my sisters-in-law and myself, which I did. I kept your mall gold hoop earrings, because they are the ones you always, always wore. I kept your gold and ruby ring, because ruby is your birth stone. I also kept your gold chain with the cross on it; the one you were wearing every time I ever saw you. I'm not religious like you - not by half. But the day I was given the jewelry was the day of your Seattle memorial service. That evening, as I sat with my friends Barbara and Georgi at their house, I was trying on bits and pieces. And the moment I put on your cross necklace, I immediately felt more at peace. I stopped crying, and I felt - for the first time since you had passed - that the claims everyone had been making that you were watching over me were actually true. So I kept the cross for myself, and it's the first time in my entire life that I've worn a cross without feeling like a fraud. I hope you understand this (and I know in my heart that you do).

I wish I could say that dealing with the loss of you has gotten easier over the last 3 months, but it really and truly hasn't. Every now and again I hear your voice in my head, pushing me to go on, and telling me that you'll always love me; it gets easier in those moments, but the moments never last. At the end of the day you are still gone, and I still miss you beyond words. It sucks that you are no longer with us, and I can honestly say that all I want from Santa in one more Christmas with you.

I love you Aunt Kate. Always.

Untitled Poem

Could every sound
Rise through cold rain
As though music from that moon did fall
Between language and poetry

~M. Kilgore 2003

And for my next trick...

... I will transform myself into an full-time employee, as well as a mother and wife.

BAM!

That's right, after 5.25 long years (and I mean looooonng - like, forever and a day, a lifetime ago, I don't remember what it's like to have adult interaction on a daily basis), I have now re-entered the working world, becoming once more a gainfully employed member of society.

Pardon me a moment while I breathe the world's biggest sigh of relief. You see, just between you, me and the fence post, I was beginning to get a titch skeptical of my ability to ever find myself in this position ever again. So I offer up Relief Sighs because

A - I found a job! Between February of this year to a few weeks ago, I put in 82 applications/resume submissions total, and it was getting a tad bit hard to keep my chin up.
B - I found child care for my girls! In less than one week I found a wonderful gal who runs a daycare out of her home to drop Maron off with, and for the obscenely affordable fee of $50/week this woman feeds Maron breakfast, gets her to school, picks her up from school and feeds her a snack in the afternoon so that she's not a rabid beast by the time I pick her up. And for Marida I found Lil' Hawks Daycare, which is both a daycare AND a preschool, and it's right on my way to work. This is another wildly affordable situation for me - seriously, it's the absolute cheapest all-day care I've ever found; $535/month gets Marida breakfast, morning snack, lunch, afternoon snack and even dinner, if I ever find myself stuck late at work. And she has her own cubby in a classroom and is getting SO MUCH MORE interaction with kids her age than she ever has before.
C - My kids LOVE their respective daycare situations! I'm not even exaggerating on this one... The first week of Marida's days at Lil' Hawks found me dragging her out of the building kicking and screaming because she didn't want to leave. And 3 days out of 5 I have to pry Maron's tiny little fingers off of her babysitters doorjamb.
D - I'm still capable of being a valuable employee! This is something I never questioned in myself, but I know that every potential employer did - my ability to train easily and work full-time with no complications after being a SAHM for so long. You see, it turns out that, as an administrative/office type person, if you have been out of the work force for more than 6 months, companies generally consider all your previous skill/ability with office programs to be ca put. And it's really, really hard to convince a potential employer that charting your household finances and personal diet log has effectively kept your Excel skills up-to-date.

Now, deets on my new gig  - My first day of work was November 18th. I work at Johanna Beverage Company (and before you ask, the beverage in question is juice, not beer, so I can't hook you up for your next poker night) as the Logistic Administrative Assistant. On the one hand the title is a fancy way of saying 'Front Office Girl Who Answers the Phone, Sorts the Mail and Signs for Packages', but it turns out there is a lot more to it than that. I am only just beginning to be trained on the other nuances of my position, which will include invoice sorting/matching, receiving, posting of the personnel schedule, supply inventory, and weekly reports ranging from everything to HR updates to downtime of various plant equipment. It's a great job with a very decent starting wage, and an excellent benefit package (so I'm told) once I become eligible. And everyone that I work with is super nice and encouraging. I have a perfect interaction mix of front office 'professional' and warehouse 'funny sarcastic teasing'. This job is so up my alley it's nuts! :-)

All in all, I am SO thankful to have a job again, and SO thankful that it's this job. I feel like I have found a perfect fit with JBC, and vice versa. So pardon me while I pat myself on the back just one more time and say "YAY ME!"