Checking In

I have been neglecting this blog again, though at least it hasn't been that long of an absence this time. And contrary to what you might think, I haven't been avoiding posting here because I have nothing to write about. Quite the opposite, actually.... you see, there has been SO MUCH going on in my life for the last 9 months that I hardly know where to begin. Ups, downs, diagonals - every day and week and month of my life. Sometime all in the same day, sometimes in the same damn hour. I shall endeavor to do better going forward, and as I have the time and the confidence to write about my life, I promise I will slowly but surely get the blog-o-sphere up to date on everything that has happened/is happening/will happen in my life. Fair?

New Home

It's been almost 2 weeks now since I've moved into my apartment, and I have to say that I am really enjoying it here.

The last time I lived on my own, the Twin Towers were still standing, and you could still take pocket knives and lighters onto airplanes.

It's so much different being on my own... I forgot what it's like to experience real, honest solitude. It's so much different than the lives I've lived for the last twelve and a half years. I have experienced peace, quiet, a little bit of loneliness, but mostly gratitude. I am grateful that I have the means to live on my own and support myself. I am grateful that I have found a wonderful place to live, and I'm very much looking forward to having my girls over here for the first time. That will effectively end the peace and solitude, but in the most wonderful way. I'm not quite ready to house them yet, but by next weekend I will be prepared to have my girls over here and to make them comfortable and safe.

Moving On, Moving Out

Just a quick note.

I know it's been forever and a day since I've posted anything on this blog. What can I say? A lot of things happened in 2014. A lot.

The biggest and most glaring thing that happened in the past year is that my husband and I have separated. We are no longer compatible with each other, and I am moving on from this to get on with my life and be the person that I want to be, in the way I want to be it.

Today is the start of moving day for me. I have found a nice 2-bedroom apartment within 15-20 minutes of this (Steve's) house. I will sign my lease this afternoon, and will be living there on my own half of the time. The other half of the time the girls will be staying with me, as Steven and I have agreed to share custody of our children 50/50.

I suppose there are a lot of thinge to be said on this matter, but I have neither the time nor the energy to say them now.

I'll be back when I acquire a computer and internet access in my new home.

~Micah

Time For Change



Another year has come and gone, and (shockingly) I have yet to start getting any younger. I'm 32 years into the only life I'm going to get, and I've decided that it is (FINALLY!) time to take control of my it. Once and for all.

 

Today I've started on a path to change my body, my eating habits and my entire attitude toward health and fitness. This is all based on a book called Metabolism Miracle by Dianne Kress. I'll spare you the lengthy details about the principles of it; you can read about it yourself if your interested enough.

 

Anyway, this is the end of day 1 of Step 1 of the program, and I did very well today. I exercised this morning, ate the right foods for breakfast and lunch, drank 160 oz of water, and ate a wholely carb-free dinner. (Yes, yes, I know... another carb-free diet, yada yada. But this is different; it's only carb-free for the first 8 weeks, so nyah!)

 

This was tonight's dinner. Not nearly as luscious and decadent as the homemade lasagna I had last night, but after eating it I didn't feel wildly uncomfortable and full of shame. So I guess that in and of itself is a big change.

 

So here's to 2014. A new year, a new chance, a new me.

Darkness Falls

For every joy there is a sorrow.
For every smile there is a frown.
For ever sparkle of the eye
There is a tear drop that has
Yet to fall.
For every happy memory
There is a haunting nightmare.
For every action there is a regret.

No one can predict the future,
Any more than they can change the past.

Live truly and deeply in the now,
For that is all there is.

~M. Haag 10/29/06

Missing Kate

Dearest, Most Awesome Aunt Kate,

     Yesterday was the 3 month mark of us losing you. And when I say us, I don't just mean the Kilgore clan and its affiliates. 'US' means your parents, your brother and sisters and their spouses, their children and spouses, their children (your great-nieces and nephews), your friends, our friends (especially mine, because there is not a single person I know, who has met you, who didn't think you were Top Banana) your church family, your former co-workers, every teacher you've ever had, every person that has ever talked to you for 10 minutes... I hope you get the picture. Yesterday was hard for me. Today, for reasons I can't understand, has been even harder.

Maybe it's because today I'm finalizing all the plans for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day and Christmas Dinner.Knowing how much you loved Christmas, this is hard.
Maybe it's because tonight I finally brought myself to hang the very last family ornament you made for us. It's not on the tree though, it's on the wall next to the drawing of the Monroe Street Bridge that you used to own. Knowing this is the last Aunt Kate ornament I will ever receive, this is hard.
Maybe it's because this is a day that ends in 'y', and I miss you terribly every single day. Who knows.

What I do know, is that you were the light of this family;you were the spirit and the essence. We few and humble who remain will do our best to pick up the slack in your absence, but it will never be the same. I will never again be able to call you and talk to you about my troubles, only to hear you say, "Listen kiddo," when beginning your response. My daughters will never get to hear you talk about the Kilgore family, going into all the finite details about who's who and what came to be... Much to my great despair.

I wish you were still here. With every breath, I wish you were still here. Aunt Mary gave me a baggie of your jewelry, to share between my sisters-in-law and myself, which I did. I kept your mall gold hoop earrings, because they are the ones you always, always wore. I kept your gold and ruby ring, because ruby is your birth stone. I also kept your gold chain with the cross on it; the one you were wearing every time I ever saw you. I'm not religious like you - not by half. But the day I was given the jewelry was the day of your Seattle memorial service. That evening, as I sat with my friends Barbara and Georgi at their house, I was trying on bits and pieces. And the moment I put on your cross necklace, I immediately felt more at peace. I stopped crying, and I felt - for the first time since you had passed - that the claims everyone had been making that you were watching over me were actually true. So I kept the cross for myself, and it's the first time in my entire life that I've worn a cross without feeling like a fraud. I hope you understand this (and I know in my heart that you do).

I wish I could say that dealing with the loss of you has gotten easier over the last 3 months, but it really and truly hasn't. Every now and again I hear your voice in my head, pushing me to go on, and telling me that you'll always love me; it gets easier in those moments, but the moments never last. At the end of the day you are still gone, and I still miss you beyond words. It sucks that you are no longer with us, and I can honestly say that all I want from Santa in one more Christmas with you.

I love you Aunt Kate. Always.

Untitled Poem

Could every sound
Rise through cold rain
As though music from that moon did fall
Between language and poetry

~M. Kilgore 2003