When Darkness Falls

There is something about me that a handful of people know but that is not actually public knowledge. Something (or rather, some things) that I have been living with for the past 3 decades of my life. I’ve never put these words out into a public forum before, and to be honest I’m not sure why I am doing so right now.

Maybe it’s my way of reaching out.
Maybe it’s a cry for help.
Maybe it’s an attempt to not feel so damn alone in all of this.
Maybe it’s so that, should I lose the battle and darkness win out, when searching for answers as to the WHY of it all, people will be able to look on here and go, “Oh, it was like that.”

I have Anxiety. I have Depression. Yes, it’s just like that.

I have what I refer to as ‘high functioning  anxiety’. I call it that because whatever else is going on, however scared I am or hopeless I feel, I get up, get dressed and I soldier on through my day. I function. I function dangerously close to ‘well’, considering how much I do in a day and how little rest I do it on. High functioning anxiety. That’s what I call it... that’s the lie I tell myself.

The reality of my Anxiety is that it is crippling. It is debilitating. It keeps me so weary and so scared and so hyper vigilant that I can’t ever relax. I can’t ever relax, I can’t ever let go, and I can’t ever feel at peace. I have Anxiety.

I have chronic Depression. I won’t ever refer to it as ‘high functioning depression’, because most days I feel as though I am barely able to function at all. I do function of course... I get up, get dressed, and I soldier on, just l Ike I do with the anxiety. The difference though is that, while I am able to put my Anxiety to use for myself, I can do no such thing with my Depression. There is no good that comes out of the big D. There is no benefit, there is no lesson, there is no silver lining. There is only the long, dark, bitter cold chasm.

I have Anxiety. I have Depression