Katie do you know?

Dear Aunt Kate,

This is the 6th Christmas season since you went away. I miss you terribly all of the time, but tonight it is hitting me extra hard. I miss you so much it hurts.

Last weekend Jason set up our Christmas tree, and when he was done I went to task to decorate it. The first ornaments on the tree are always the ones from the box my dad gave me on my wedding day. You remember my first wedding? That’s the only one you were ever able to attend. Anyway, the box Dad gave to me that day had all of the ornaments with my name on them that you had made and given to your brother to put on his tree.

You want to hear something funny Kate? All my years as a child and an adolescent and a young adult, I NEVER knew that you were the one responsible for the family ornaments. When I was little I thought they came from Santa, and Dad never corrected me on that. Can you believe that? Your oldest brother let Santa Clause steal you’re thunder!

This year I reflected on each ornament as I pulled it out of the box and carefully selected its place on the tree. I looked at the years and I tried to remember what things had happened in my life during each of those years. And then I started thinking about all of the things that have happened in my life since the ornaments stopped coming. All of the triumphs and the heartache and the hope and the wonder. I thought about all the things I would have shared directly with you if you were still here.

Do you know that a few months after my family moved to Spokane I got my first job since having kids? I’ve been with the company 6 years now, and I love everything about my job and I’m extremely good at it. I’m liked by my coworkers and respected by management, and I go each work each day kicking ass and taking names. Do you know that Kate?

Do you know that one year after we moved to Spokane I left my husband? I had to make the terrible decision to break apart my family to save myself and change the future for my children. It was so hard, and there were so many far reaching consequences of my decision. I know I did the right thing, but I desperately wanted you here to talk to about it when it was all happening. Do you know that Kate?

Do you know that, against all odd (as a single mother with 2 kids) I found love again? His name is Jason and he is the most wonderful man. He is kind and thoughtful and funny as hell.

The girls absolutely adore him too!

Do you know that Jason and I got married twice? The first time was at the Hitching Post in 2017. 

The  2nd time was in the Catholic parish in the town where Jason grew up. His parents and his sister were there, and they are all wonderful people. You would really like them.

We have a great marriage and the girls and Jason and I have become a wonderful family unit. We share custody of the girls 50/50 with Steve, so when we do have them it’s family time full of reading and learning and adventures. And when we don’t have the kids it’s sleeping in on the weekends and cake for breakfast. Do you know that Kate?

Do you know that Kasey graduated in June of 2018 with a Bachelors degree from the University of Washington? 

His degree is in Economics, which sounds terribly boring to me. But Kasey persevered over two decades and became the only one of us kids to go to college. I had the honor and privilege of going to Seattle to see him get his diploma in Husky Stadium. It was a magical day and I felt so much pride for your Godson, and I know you would have too. Do you know that Kate?

Do you know that Marida is my mini-me? She looks just like me when I was her age, she has the same pun-filled sense of humor that I do, she has the same kind of inappropriate emotional responses to stressful situations, and she has MY EYES. Do you know that Kate? I didn’t realize it myself until a month or so ago, we have the Exact. Same. Eyes.

Do you know how big my girls have gotten? The last time you saw Maron and Marida they were toddlers. Actually Maron was a toddler and Marida was still a baby. You wouldn’t believe your eyes if you saw them today Kate. They have gone from this

To this

In the blink of an eye.

They fight sometimes, as all sisters do. But they also play together and watch movies together and laugh together. Seeing my girls bonding with each other is the most rewarding thing I can imagine. Do you know that Kate?

Do you know that my girls and I are all official members of the Catholic Church? We go to church every weekend. Maron and Marida are altar servers now, and I serve as a lector. 

I wish you could have been there to see them get Baptized, Kate. You would have been so proud of those little girls!!

Aunt Jenny is one of their God mothers. She got each of the girls an age appropriate bible as a baptism gift. And just last weekend she gave me a gorgeous snow globe with the Nativity scene inside of it that also plays music. She said she wanted her God daughters to have it, and I was so moved I wanted to cry. Do you know that Kate?

Do you remember when Kasey and Lisa got married?

Well Kasey and Lisa are still living happily ever after in Seattle, and in August 2nd of this year they welcomed their first child together. They had a healthy baby boy. His name is Andrew Edward Strube-Kilgore, and he is adorable. He looks just like his daddy!

Whenever I want a new picture of him I send Lisa a baby emoji. I call it the Baby Bat Signal, and every picture I get from her I make sure to forward to Dad so he can download it onto his phone. He is so proud that his first-born son has a first-born son of his own, just as he is the first-born son. If this happens 5 more times we’ll have a wizard in the family. Do you know that Kate?

Do you know how sad everyone in the family was when you died? Do you know how sad I was? Do you know how painful your absence in my life has been? Do you know what I would give to have one more phone conversation with you? Do you know that right now it is half past midnight and I am sitting on the floor of my living room, ugly crying, as I type up this blog post? Do you know how much my heart hurts when I hang this on my Christmas tree:

Do you know that Kate?

Write it down!

I love writing in journals. I always have, and I always will. At any given point in my life I have had several different journals that I write in.

I have a journal now that I love. It’s a nice hardback diary with the Hogwarts crest on the front of it that I bought at the Harry Potter gift shop on the Universal City Walk in Los Angeles when I went to visit Georgi in 2017. This is probably my all time favorite journal.

Now here’s something that doesn’t make sense...
I love my HP journal so much that I almost never write in it. What’s that? ‘That sounds ridiculous’ you say? Well you’re not wrong.

Allow me to offer up a little slice of my crazy to you.
I love this journal so much that I want to be able to write in it forever. But the only way to have blank pages in it to write on forever more is to not write in it now. You see, the longer I don’t  write in it, the longer I will be able to write in it. 
So going off of that logic, the only times I have written in this favorite journal so far are when big things have happened. Details about my trip to L.A., getting engaged, the death of a friend, getting married, etc. I told myself that I’m only allowed to write in this journal if I have something big and important to report.

Recently however I had a kind of ah-ha moment where I realized that saving this journal for only the big and important life events is a waste of its purpose and my potential. The fact is, once all of the pages of this journal I love so much are full, I can simply buy another journal. This hardback Harry Potter journal is not the only one of its kind, and it’s not the only writing book that I will ever fall in love with. So going forward I am going to write in my journal, all the time. I am going to write down the big things and the small things alike. I am going to write down all the words floating around in my head, because someday, many decades from now (God willing and the crick don’t rise), there won’t be any words in my head at all because I will be gone. And at that point the only thing my children will have of me are memories of the words I said, and also the ones I wrote down.

Once begun, the year's half done....

Hey, does anybody know the date today? What's that? You... yeah you, what did you say? July 7th? Are you fucking serious?!?

Okay, so apparently we are now finishing up the first week of the first month in the second half of the year. What in the actual hell?

I can't be the only one out there int he multiverse who feels like this year is just FLYING by, correct? Yeah, I didn't think so. I don't know about you dear reader, but I feel like I could have been a teeny bit more productive with the first half of my year.

But you know what? So far this year I have done everything that I wanted to and nothing I didn't. After a wonderful holiday season I started off this year reading The Hobbit, which has been on my need-to-read list for years.
And after I finished the book I was able to start watching the trilogy, which I got for Christmas.
After reading The Hobbit I re-read Good Omens, which is a book I read once about 15 years ago. Now that I have finished that book I am ready to watch the series on Amazon Prime.
Jason and I took the girls to see family in Moxee for Memorial Day weekend, and we fulfilled our dream of being officially married in the Catholic church he attended (and served as an Altar Boy) through his entire childhood. Most people are luck if they get to find and marry their soulmate once in their life. I got to marry mine twice in the same lifetime. Take that every romantic book/movie ever!
We have taken the girls to do new things this year that were previously on the 'yeah, we should do that at some point' list. And next weekend we'll be taking them to freaking Silverwood, courtesy of Jason's annual company picnic.

So all things considered I do feel rather accomplished for the year thus far. And I can't wait to see what I/we can get done in the second half of 2019. Stay tuned.

Reaching Out

All my life I have loved writing to people. handwritten letters sent via snail mail has always been my specialty, but emails are great too. I love writing letters to people updating them on everything going on in my life and asking questions about their lives, and more than anything I love, love, LOVE getting letters back! There is something about opening your mailbox (or inbox) and finding a letter addressed to you, sent by another living human being. It may sound odd to some people, but the feeling I get when that happens can only be described as JOY.

The problem with being someone who so desperately loves writing/receiving letters is that very few people have the time and/or inclination to write back. So what do you do when the people you have addresses for (physical or digital) don't write back? You find new people to write to, of course. But how? And where???

I was two-weeks-ago years old when I discovered there is a website that is dedicated to just that purpose, aptly named Pen Pal World. www.penpalworld.com
Somebody, somewhere in the world, had a thought one day that (I assume) went something along the lines of
"I wonder if there is a place to go online that is solely for finding people throughout the world to send emails and snail mail to. A place that's not about finding out every single thing you do in your life so it can send advertisements to you (looking at YOU, Facebook). A place that's not about trying to find partners for shady activities or extramarital affairs. A place where people just who want to meet people to write to can go to meet them. No? There's no place on the internet like that? Well fuck it! I'll create that place right now."

Thank you, random person somewhere in the world who created this site for people like me. You are my hero.

In the last week and a half I have established snail mail contact with a woman in Missouri, a dude in Mississippi, a woman in Canada, and a dude in France. I have also been having wonderful email conversations with a Brit living in South Carolina, a dude in New Zealand, a guy in Florida who was paralyzed by a car accident when he was 17 but has a remarkably good attitude about it, a guy in Nigeria, and a lovely woman in Greece who has 7 (!!) kids. It's incredible to find this amount of connection the world over in a matter of days.

I reached a conclusion in my life recently that I would like to share with you now (if there's anyone actually reading this): We, as human beings, are all in this together. We get one life to live, and I believe the only way to live that life fully is to reach out and connect with people in the world around you and at large. A life lived but not shared is barely a life at all, and do you know why? Because we, humanity, are all just stories in the end, and all a person can do is try to make their story (and by extension the stories of those around them) a great one. And a great story that is never shared is a tragedy indeed.

My Story Isn’t Over Yet

Cutbacks

I have been working at my current company (JBC) for over 5 years now, and I love it here.
• I love my job and I'm excellent at what I do.
• I have a great boss and some great co-workers, too.
• Time and again I have proven myself to be a valuable member of the Logistics team, and I have been recognized by management repeatedly for the outstanding work that I do.
(I know it sounds like I'm bragging, but if you're great at what you do you're great at what you do!)

In short, I like it here. A lot.

At the end of 2018 JBC lost the [*********] account. When I first got the news I was thrilled. "Awesome! No more scheduling [*********] loads or ingredient pickups at ECS. No more MONTHLY [*********] inventories. Screw those guys!"
Well, it turns out that the [*********] product accounted for 30% of our production, and without that account we simply do not have enough work to keep the 100+ people on staff throughout the plant. So yesterday the Logistics team (of which I am apart) was pulled into the conference room and informed that, because we lost this one account, the corporate office was forcing us to do cutbacks. In short, 29 people lost their jobs yesterday.

I'll spare you the suspense and tell you now that I was not one of those people. Because the Logistics Department only consists of 5 people, we don't have any bodies to give up. But my department was the only one spared. Every other department lost at least one member. The Juice Plant was hit the hardest of course, because they had the most staff.

The decision of who got laid off was based solely on seniority. Because most of the people laid off had only worked here a year or less, I don't know most of them. But I did have to sit at the front desk yesterday and hand a few of those people their last paycheck they would be getting form JBC, and that was rough. I spent the majority of yesterday afternoon holed up in my office, weary of the though of going near the warehouse break room because I didn't want to have to see the look in anyone else's eyes who had to go home and tell their spouse/kids that mom/dad wasn't going to be going to work the next day.

I have never worked at a company that had to do layoffs like this, and it sucks. It made my heart hurt so badly. I ache because I feel SO BAD for everyone dismissed yesterday, and I am left with what can only be described as survivor's guilt.

I woke up this morning with gratitude in my heart for my job. Maybe more gratitude than ever before, to be honest. I can say with complete honesty that I am grateful to have a job to go to today and every day. To feel anything less than complete gratitude for my job would be a disservice to the 29 people who left here yesterday, never to return.

New Year, New Gear

Happy New Year!

Today is the first day of 2019, which marks (in my mind, at least) the official end of the holiday season. In general I’m glad the holidays are over, because it means things are moving on and we don’t have to worry about all the hubabaloo for another 11 months or so. In other ways I’m sad about leaving the holidays behind. As happy as I am to be done taking down and putting away all the Christmas decorations, and as happy as I am to have my living room back to normal, I’m sure going to miss sitting in my reading nook in the evening and watching the shadows made by the blinking lights on the Christmas tree dancing on the ceiling.
I’m also going to miss the feeling that the holiday season brings. When the holidays roll around there’s just something in the air... people try a little harder to be kind to their fellow man. They act a little nicer, they are a little more forgiving, they care a little more. Now is the time when the rat race will start up again, and in so much of life it’s going to be every man for himself. It’s a damn shame that the world works that way, but I suppose it’s a necessary evil. If the slower, forgiving feeling the holidays bring didn’t end, we wouldn’t be able to appreciate it while it’s here.

I will say that I myself had  WONDERFUL Christmas! Santa brought me an iPad, which I’ve never had before. The closest I’ve ever come was the first generation Kindle Fire. (My iPad is actually what I’m using to write this post.) It was so awesome to be able to FaceTime with distant family and friends Christmas Day! I feel (as far as technology is concerned) a little more caught up in the world.
I also got a Super Nintendo for Christmas, which was totally surprising and completely awesome! It’s one of the new game system remakes that has a multitude of games installed on it, just like the NES Classic I got Jason fir his birthday in 2017. (I almost started typing ‘last year’, but that’s not true anymore.) I have to admit that, in the past week, my J and I have probably logged close to a dozen hours playing Super Mario World. 😁 There isn’t a lot that happened in my childhood that I have to smile about, but my memories of playing Super Mario World are definitely happy ones.

Material possessions aside, this Christmas was probably the best one I’ve ever had. We didn’t have a house full of family like we did in 2017, which would have been nice. but we did however have our first Christmas in our new house, which is always something special. On top of that this was our year to have the kids on Christmas. Our Christmas dinner was modest - ham, broccoli soufflé, sweet potato casserole, and dinner rolls, but it was all of it delicious. My parents came over to eat with us, and being able to share our meal with some family was lovely. There were also several pumpkin pies, which is and always has been my holiday specialty.

All in all I will say that 2018 was an outstanding year for our family. We moved into a new house, we got to have the girls with us for all the holidays, Jason started a wonderful new job at an amazing company, and my own job was done well and I was recognized last month for all of my hard work and dedication, which was definitely a boost for my morale.

I hope that all of my family and friends had a safe and happy New Year, and I wish everybody peace, love, and prosperity in 2019.